The other day I allowed myself to feel the full energy of sadness in my body for probably the first time without attaching a story to it and without judging it in some way and also free from the fear that it could overwhelm or destroy me in someway. It became one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. My sadness became my friend and as I write this, tears well up because it’s so humbling and such a miracle. It’s also so bizarrely simple.
It took me a while to know it was sadness. To start with I simply became aware that I was feeling frustrated and irritated as I was weeding in the garden. I felt a buzzing energy in my body that I’ve come to know as a sign that something inside of me wants to be acknowledged. It’s almost like an energetic version of the sound a radio makes when it’s not fully tuned into a station. A little later when I was in the car which is often a very cathartic space for me, I took the opportunity to ask myself what the emotion was. It came immediately – sadness. It wasn’t linked to the gardening as such, that was simply giving me the opportunity to feel the sadness.
As I felt myself relaxing with it, everything became gentler and it had the feeling of a very old and intimate friend holding my hand and guiding me through a pretty garden. It was as though the outer shell of individuality became hazy and smudgy and a blending happened. The gift was also in witnessing the effect that it had on others around me as I walked through the street and went into a cafe. I kind of presumed it would deter people because of the emotion being sadness rather than happiness but I realized that it wasn’t the emotion that was effecting people. I had stepped into my authenticity, my truth and the source of peace and so it enabled them to do the same. Very much like in a childlike state where we say and act instinctively. People were openly smiling at me with a gentle kindness, making an extra effort to hold a door open and stopping to ask me questions. When I was in the cafe, several people came and talked to me with total familiarity as if they knew me. It was so sweet and full of delight.
As I’m feeling into the experience again, there’s a beautiful gentleness that’s caressing the whole thing. The softness of a rose petal on my face. Simply being fully in me took away the trying to fit in and belong and so then I did. Looking and sensing everything around me, it all becomes gentle and I kind of feel myself floating into everything; the computer, people, the cars outside. It’s almost as though by stepping into the wholeness of me, I step into the wholeness of them.
A month or so ago I was having a conversation with someone that took me into a place of old fear that felt so real that my entire body shook with it. Something clicked in me and I knew that I didn’t have to keep that fear with me anymore. It was linked to trauma from a long time ago but that I’d unconsciously held on to as a protective mechanism. I stopped the conversation, closed my eyes, breathed and connected with it simply by talking to it. I told it that I was there and that it was ok. I thanked it for having the courage to come and be seen, that I was nervous too but that I was ready to totally feel it. It felt a buzzing sensation in different parts of my body, fizzing like that Space Dust sweet as you put it in your mouth and then just like the ’snap, crackle and pop’ of rice crispies, it collapsed and totally disintegrated. It was so real that I could’ve held it. Then I started laughing because it just wasn’t there anymore. The fear had been such an integral of me and one that I’d held onto for so long that by it disintegrating, it seems to have unravelled so many others with it. Now that I know that feeling emotions and energy won’t destroy me, I’m allowing myself to go there more and I’m enjoying it. The tangible result of the change is that I’m starting to do those things that I’ve put off for another day such as taking Spanish lessons, horse riding lessons and tennis lessons. In the autumn I intend to learn how to dive – very symbolic, head in first. Yes to begin with I felt the tears of ‘oh no, I’m going to look stupid’ etc, come up from within and as they did, I simply acknowledged them and smiled at them lovingly and as I did that, they kind of giggled and then fizzled away loosing their power over me. I’m enjoying being able to do things simply because I want to, rather than because I feel as though I have to prove my worth.
I’m acknowledging, honouring and feeling the emotions in my body and in return they’re gifting me with their disintegration which is resulting in more courage and more Me. This is love.