In the summer I went into a cool looking barber shop with a friend of mine to get some advice about growing out my hair, as I’d had it shaved for 18 months & it was now telling me that it wanted to grow out a bit. As soon as I walked in & saw the barber, I felt a ‘thonk’ of a deep energy that I’d known before. It was an odd energy & one that I didn’t like or understand completely. It was a mixture of fear & warning, yet at the same time a kind of primal attraction. An extreme inner push & pull as well as a sense of out of controlled’ness.
The first time I experienced this energy was 20 years ago when I lived with a man who turned out to be extremely violent & who I’d given my power too. Since then, I’ve felt this energy fleetingly from a handful of men who I’ve quickly run away from, understandably of course, to protect myself from being hurt again. However, this time I realized that it was an opportunity for me to face this fear & to stop a pattern that was controlling parts of my life. I didn’t want to hear words like, “Don’t you go there, you know that means no good” or “Get out of here & away from him”, anymore. I wanted freedom from that.
Afterwards, I shared this realization with my friend. Speaking the words out loud & having them witnessed brings spaciousness & clarity, then they magically loose their power. It’s breathtaking to feel energy that’s been stuck, start to fizz with life & then gradually disintegrate.
So here I am, 5 months later after a whole heap of extraordinary experiences & huge ‘I get it!!!’ revelations, & also on the eve of 6 months of incredible adventures involving projects in Georgia & Zambia. Yet I was feeling ‘hair heavy’. It was calling for me to get something fun & funky done to it & then, ’Wham!!!’, the barber pops up in my mind.
Ok, now I had two choices – go back to the barbers where I’d be able to acknowledge my fears, walk up to them in full consciousness & turn them around whilst coming out with a fun & funky hairstyle, or dodge it & go to a regular hairdressers. Option one of course – not really any choice at all. How could I not give myself this gift of freedom, knowing it’s not just for me but for him & all the other men who’ve kindly shown up in my life vibrating in that same energy?
Off I go. On the way there I felt myself getting nervous. I acknowledged the part of me that was feeling afraid & out of her depth. I told her that she could relax explaining that I, as the grown up, would be the front woman & that she could simply watch from a distance. I also reminded her that those past experiences are over & that I’m now safe, strong & centred. I told her that if it felt too much when I went in, I would simply leave. Acknowledging that as an option was a real key, knowing that I could & would walk out if I chose to. I breathed a breath of peace.
When I entered the shop I felt a little uncomfortable & uncentered. So as I listened to the barber who I’d seen in the summer chatting away, I took a breath, stood up inside myself & smiled. I witnessed myself in the unfolding scene, just like watching a play & I relaxed, felt at ease in the spaciousness & the whole experience became fun & playful. I allowed myself to dance in the dance of life. I met the moment just as it was, didn’t bring in the past, didn’t bring in anything that didn’t belong & as I relaxed so did he. It was beautiful, free & filled with childlike innocence. There was nothing for me to be afraid of, there was simply unfinished business wanting completion in a mutually beneficial way. It was of course, never anything to do with him personally, he was simply acting as my energetic catalyst & how gracious he was at it & how grateful I am.
This morning I was greeted by a rainbow & saw myself walking through its archway into a new reality. I saw the symbolism of me walking into the ‘created’ fear the day before, allowing myself to simply Be in it & to witness its transformation. I felt like Alice peeking through her looking glass into the spaciousness of other realities. I had such fun & giggled like a child whilst my hair was recreating itself through the barbers scissors. I did it, I faced the fear & now I walk much lighter, freer & with a gleam in my eye knowing myself even more than I did yesterday. I like who I am & who I’m becoming. I’m finding the me that fits me & smiling because I know it’s all temporary & on one level it’s all an illusion.