That place in between.

November 22, 2014

 

What is this place? What is it that I’m experiencing right now? It’s known & yet unknown. It’s weird & yet oddly familiar. I want it because I know it means change. It means that I’ve come to an understanding about something, a behaviour, an unconscious pattern.

As soon as ‘that bubble’ comes up & I see it & get it, it starts to loose its power of control over me & then I can do something about it. What I’m in right now is that kind of ‘no mans land’ between how everything fit together yesterday & how everything will fit together…who knows when. Knowing that the new fitting together is simply a temporary fit too.
Last week I suddenly saw a lifetimes behavioural pattern before my eyes, in its truth. Yes, it was a shock & as I saw it, I felt a deep sense of relief that I could now stop that pattern forever. How can we change patterns until we see them or understand them for what they are?
Often when I go to bed, I ask my body to release & show me, in a way I understand, things that are hidden from my view. They pop up in dreams, or when I’m driving, sometimes in written or spoken words etc. & when they arrive, I feel grateful & pretty overwhelmed by the miracle of life that allows this to happen. However ‘shifted’ I feel, I know that it’s another shake up closer to peace, closer to freedom from fogginess, closer to me.
When the shift is profound, I can feel such a ‘need’ to anchor, to share with someone who gets it, who knows me & who can say ‘oh yeah I’ve been there, it’s ok, you’re fine’. Or have a nice cup of tea to put it all on pause for a second & bring in a bit of ‘normality’, a sense of ‘I know this’. Somehow floating around in this place of ‘no mans land’ like an astronaut in space, brings a need to belong, a sense that I somehow don’t fit which is what the sharing & cup of tea are a substitute for.
As I write this, the astronaut image is taking shape. The tubes connecting them to the space ship being like an umbilical cord to source, to the ‘all mother’, to life rather than a ship or another human being as a reminder to follow that cord inside of self. That my heart beat, my life is coming through that cord connecting the heart beat of the cosmos to mine, powering my heart with universal energy. It seems that’s what each shake up does, it takes me out into the floating spaciousness & shows me the connectedness that’s always there, but just gets forgotten at times. moremoremoremoremore

I sit with that ‘need’ to connect with an outside source & remember it’s an opportunity for me to listen to my inside speaking to me & find the deeper, permanent connection with truth that is the essence of who I am that is eternally there, here & everywhere.

When the big understanding popped its head up into mine the other day, I knew that I did need to vocalise it to someone for it to be witnessed. I pondered on this & why I felt that it would make a difference. It felt necessary to help me see the event in its truth, admit that it had actually happened, admit that the person involved wasn’t really my friend & what they’d done was wrong. I wasn’t wanting the ‘witness’ of this to fix or mend it, to find a solution, to give me an answer, I simply needed to hear my voice say it in the presence of someone who I trusted, was safe & I felt wouldn’t judge. As the words came out, its power over me simply disintegrated into nothingness. I’m sure that’s what confession was all about. Not about being told to do something but simply being able to tell it in safety to a gentle understanding & compassionate soul.

Right now I’m in a massive un-coiling of a lifetimes worth of pattern & the greatest gift from ‘getting it’, is that the pattern never needs to happen again, ever. It’s huge.

I feel like a piece of clay that was formed around an event & the recurring patterns of that event & now that the pattern has lost its existence, the clay – me – is becoming soft & maliable. The uncoiling is still happening so the clay is simply being played with until the new form reveals itself.

I now understand why recurring patterns happen. I’ve been unconsciously trying to make sense of the events & make them alright. Trying to close the circle for everyone involved but the circle has always taken me back to zero. So off I’d go on another circle, going out to the edges, trying & trying only to find myself back at zero again. Wow. Huge. Maybe there is no sense to be made? Maybe the circle or cycle only closes when we stop trying to close it? When we stop trying to make the event something it wasn’t. Breath. That feels good. It was what it was & no amount of giving, trying, wishing will change it. Now I choose to upgrade into & through each circle/cycle, to come out over flowing with abundance, with growth, understanding & complete as love & joy.

The snow globe was shaken & now the flakes are floating & oh my goodness how beautiful it is.

Thank you for listening. Love, love, love.

 

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